When She Says, “I’m Fine.”
Charlie came home from work and noticed Lori in the kitchen, her back to him as she wiped down the countertops after feeding the kids. He realized he was late for dinner—again. Gently, he asked, “Hey babe, how are you doing?”
Without turning around, Lori answered in a flat, emotionless tone, “I’m fine.”
Wisdom told Charlie otherwise.
This was a pivotal moment—a chance to ease the tension or make things worse. Like many husbands, he hesitated, uncertain of what to say. In the past, he had fumbled such moments, blurting out things like, “You don’t seem fine,” or worse, “What’s wrong now?”
But this time, something in him knew better.
After a few moments of silence, he walked up to her, gently placed his hand on her shoulder, and said, “Honey, I’m sorry I was late. No excuses—I was wrong. Thank you for being patient with me. Next time, I’ll call.”
Lori didn’t instantly melt or respond with warmth. But his humble approach softened the edge. A few minutes later, she re-engaged in conversation about something else—her way of signaling that she was beginning to soften.
Sound familiar?
Have you ever heard your wife say, “I’m fine,” but deep down you knew she wasn’t?
Or have you said those very words to your spouse, hoping they’d read between the lines?
It’s not uncommon. We all want to feel known and understood. We hope our spouse will have the emotional radar to sense our moods, to pick up on subtle cues, to care enough to press in. And when they don’t—we withdraw. We stonewall. We put up emotional walls. In a strange way, we want them to earn our vulnerability, to work for access to our hearts.
This can be especially dangerous over time.
In more extreme cases, those temporary emotional walls become long-term fortresses. Brick by brick, people build barriers around their hearts—not just to keep their spouse out, but as a misguided effort to protect themselves from pain.
The Bible has a name for that: a hardened heart.
At first, those walls feel like safety. But they become prisons. And the tragedy is, those same walls don’t just keep people out—they keep God out too.
What started as self-protection turns into self-sabotage. Isolation. Bitterness. Coldness. And the enemy smiles.
Proverbs 28:14
“Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.”
This is a serious warning for both husbands and wives. Marriage requires intentional work to keep the walls down and the heart soft.
Application: What to Do When Your Partner Says “I’m Fine” But Clearly Isn’t
If you hear those infamous words and sense there’s something deeper going on, consider this six-step approach:
- Own Your Part
Acknowledge any recent mistake—big or small—and offer a sincere apology. Be specific. Don’t defend yourself or justify; just repent and commit to doing better. - Invite Vulnerability
After a short pause, gently say, “I sense that something might be on your mind. If you’re willing, I’d love for you to share so I can understand and help.” - Offer Spiritual Support
Wait a bit longer, then say, “Is there anything I can be praying for?” - Increase Your Helpfulness
Don’t just say you care—show it. Step up your help around the house. Do so with patience, not resentment. Serve joyfully. - Show Kindness and Affection
Offer gentle touch, warm words, and genuine affirmation. Not in a manipulative way—but as a consistent practice of love. - Pray Privately
Ask God to soften their heart and reveal any hidden hurts. Sometimes, distance or coldness has nothing to do with you—it may be stress, pain, or emotional fatigue from other areas of life.
A Final Word of Caution and Hope
Sometimes what your spouse is feeling truly isn’t about you. So be careful not to push too hard with questions, theories, or forced conversations. That approach can backfire. Just be present. Be available. Be safe. Wait until they’re ready to open up.
And don’t neglect your own heart in the process. Bitterness is a two-way street. The walls in marriage are built on both sides—and they fall through humility and grace.
Repentance and forgiveness remain the best tools for dismantling the bricks, healing the wounds, and disarming the enemy’s tactics in your relationship.
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