Step 1 – Pursue Verbal Intimacy

Healthy communication builds trust, safety, and emotional closeness. Verbal intimacy means more than just talking—it’s about truly listening, resolving conflict well, and having meaningful conversations beyond the daily grind.

Why It Matters:
The Bible warns us often about the power of our words. Poor communication opens the door to disconnection—and even spiritual attack. James reminds us: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19–20).

Common Struggles:

• Men often run out of words by day’s end, aim to fix instead of listen, or become passive.
• Women may have high expectations, poor timing, or intense emotions that overwhelm conversation.
• When communication fails, some shut down, some attack, and some look outside the marriage.

Steps to Rebuild Verbal Intimacy:

1. Learn to Solve Problems Together:
   • Define the issue
   • Share facts
   • Propose solutions
   • Compromise
   • Resolve
2. Break the Fight Cycle:
   • Take a time-out
   • Apologize and forgive
   • Really listen and repeat back what you hear
3. Schedule Weekly “Talk Time”:
   • Set aside distractions
   • Keep it light and fun
   • Use tools like Discovery Cards to spark conversation

Bottom Line:
Strong communication is worth the effort. Be intentional with your words, guard your tone, and build habits that protect your connection. When you pursue verbal intimacy, your marriage can thrive.

Step Two: Pursue Emotional Intimacy

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the deep sense of closeness and connection between two people that comes from being open and vulnerable. In marriage, emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, fears, dreams, and feelings without fear of judgment—and feeling safe, supported, and loved in return. It’s about knowing and being known on a heart level, not just coexisting or functioning as a team.

Everyone struggles with emotions at times. Creating emotional intimacy doesn’t mean perfect emotional control—but it does mean learning how to manage emotions with love, grace, and maturity.

1 Corinthians 13:1–13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal…”

Paul’s timeless words paint a clear picture: no matter what spiritual gifts we possess, without love, we are empty. True love is not based on emotion alone—it is an active, selfless commitment.

“Love is patient and kind; it does not envy or boast... it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... Love never ends.”

This is the biblical benchmark of emotional maturity. Without love, our efforts, even noble ones, are hollow. And without emotional intimacy, marriages cannot thrive.

Four Major Factors That Impact Our Emotions

1. Sex

• Men tend to be more internal, often less expressive and unsure how to handle emotional intensity. When overwhelmed, many react with anger.
• Women are generally more expressive and emotionally complex, often reacting more quickly to relational cues.

2. Personality

Each personality type processes and expresses emotions differently:

• Sanguine: Energetic, fun-loving, people-oriented, but disorganized.
  Emotions: Expressive, upbeat, easily distracted.
• Choleric: Goal-driven, confident, can be bossy or impatient.
  Emotions: Not very expressive, quick to anger, focused on results.
• Phlegmatic: Easygoing, peace-seeking, and passive.
  Emotions: Calm on the surface, but can be internally stubborn or passive-aggressive.
• Melancholy: Thoughtful, artistic, perfectionistic, prone to depression.
  Emotions: Intense highs and lows, often struggles with joy and emotional regulation.

3. Upbringing

The way we were parented, our family roles, and sibling dynamics shape how we express and respond to emotions—whether with freedom, suppression, defensiveness, or fear.

4. Maturity Level

Relational and spiritual maturity determine how well we manage emotional conflict. Immaturity reacts. Maturity responds.

“These factors don’t make one person better than another. But they do help explain emotional behavior and provide tools for how we can bring out the best in each other.”

The Power of Love in Emotional Maturity

1 Corinthians 13 contrasts five powerful gifts—tongues, prophecy, wisdom, faith, and generosity—against just one virtue: love. Without love, those gifts mean nothing.

Let’s break it down:

• Love is: patient, kind, humble, hopeful, enduring, truthful.
• Love is not: irritable, resentful, rude, arrogant, or self-seeking.

This passage is the ultimate emotional maturity checklist.

Our only hope for emotional wholeness is to be filled with the Spirit of God. Only then can we learn to love and lead well.

The Death of Sarcasm

“When I was young and immature, I used sarcasm to get a laugh. Pam gently pointed out how hurtful it was. I made a decision to eliminate it from my life. That one choice had a profound effect on my emotional growth and my relationships.”

Practical Application: How to Build Emotional Intimacy

• Approach your spouse with care, mindful of their emotional sensitivities.
• Create a safe, welcoming atmosphere where they feel emotionally secure.
• Identify your own emotional weak spots—and work on them.
• Listen to understand, not to fix.
• Ask thoughtful questions more than you talk about yourself.
• Repent when you mess up.
• Forgive when your spouse messes up.

My Father’s Journey to Emotional Strength

My grandfather was abusive. My father had every reason to repeat that pattern. But instead, he broke the cycle. He forgave. He healed. He grew.

Image: His Bible—his roadmap to emotional strength and spiritual maturity.

The Highest Level of Emotional Maturity

1 Corinthians 6:7 – “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?”

This is radical emotional maturity: the ability to be wronged without retaliating, to be hurt without seeking revenge, to still love in the face of injustice.

Emotional immaturity reacts to every trigger—highs and lows alike—like a pinball machine.
Emotional maturity pauses, breathes, forgives, and remains anchored.

When You Are Wronged…

• Take a breath. Don’t react impulsively.
• Forgive—even if they don’t deserve it.
• Choose to love them anyway.
• Gain your composure before you confront them (if needed).
• Sometimes, just take it on the chin.
• Maintain emotional control—God sees and honors it.

Exercise for Couples

Sit down with your spouse and each finish these two statements:

1. “When I’m struggling with my emotions, it would mean a lot to me if you would _____________________________.”
2. “I would feel more emotionally close to you if you could _____________________________.”

• Be specific—mention who, what, when, where, how often.
• Listen carefully to their answers.
• Make it a goal to apply what they share in the coming weeks.

Pursuing emotional intimacy isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present, patient, and humble.

Your marriage can thrive when both partners commit to growing in love—the kind that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” 

Step Three: Pursue Spiritual Intimacy

What is spiritual intimacy?

“It’s when a couple frequently expresses their spiritual beliefs with each other and pursues God together, with purpose.” — Matt Loehr

Too many couples go through their entire marriage without ever discussing their faith in a meaningful way. For some, spirituality feels too personal or private. But keeping your beliefs separate and unspoken creates distance—emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. That separation is dangerous.

James 4:8 – “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.”

Deuteronomy 6: 1-9  1These are the commandments and statutes and ordinances that the LORD your God has instructed me to teach you to follow in the land that you are about to enter and possess, 2so that you and your children and grandchildren may fear the LORD your God all the days of your lives by keeping all His statutes and commandments that I give you, and so that your days may be prolonged. 3Hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe them, so that you may prosper and multiply greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has promised you. 4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is One. 5And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6These words I am commanding you today are to be upon your hearts. 7And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8Tie them as reminders on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates.

• You and your spouse should have clarity and unity around critical biblical truths:
  Salvation – Baptism – Tithing – Serving – Sexuality – Abortion – Divorce – Alcohol – Forgiveness – Sin

These aren’t just theological debates—they shape your home, your children, your choices, and your legacy.

Build a Unified Spiritual Front

Pursuing spiritual intimacy doesn’t mean you agree on everything instantly. It means you're walking the same road—seeking truth, listening, growing, and challenging each other respectfully.

Why does this matter?

• It creates a deep spiritual bond
• It builds mutual trust and respect
• It fortifies your marriage against spiritual attack
• It prepares you to endure hardships together
• It opens your most vulnerable and honest parts

Action Steps for Couples

1. Schedule a Weekly Devotion Together.
Keep it simple. Read one chapter a week and discuss:

• What stood out to you about this chapter?
• What are your takeaways?
• Is there anything you struggle to believe or understand?
• How can we apply this to our family?

If you're unsure about a topic or doctrine, ask your pastor for guidance.

⚠️ A word of caution:

• Don’t force your spouse to adopt your interpretation.
• Don’t condescend or dominate the conversation.
• Truly listen. You may learn more than you expect.

2. Attend church together.
Make it a non-negotiable part of your week.

3. Join a small group.
There’s power in spiritual community.

4. Discuss the sermon.
Talk on the way home. Ask, “What stood out to you today?”

5. Pray together.
Even short, sincere prayers build unity and remind you both that God is the center.

Do it for your Children

Deuteronomy 6:5–9
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might... teach them diligently to your children… talk of them when you sit in your house, walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise.”

Your faith should not be hidden from your kids—it should be lived out loud. What they see in you shapes what they will eventually believe for themselves.

Why this matters for your kids:

• Spiritual intimacy between parents naturally flows down to the children.
• Teaching God's Word earns admiration from your spouse.
• Your children will often mirror your faith convictions—for better or worse.
• Teaching them forces you to grow and learn yourself.
• It pushes you to practice what you preach in your marriage.
• Remember: they watch more than they listen.

Action Steps for Families

• Create a regular family “teaching night.” Use age-appropriate materials.
• Require church attendance until they’re old enough to choose responsibly.
• Ask intentional questions after sermons or Bible classes.
• Provide Bibles they can understand, ideally with helpful commentary.
• Involve them in VBS, camp, and church events.
• Don’t avoid cultural issues. Discuss with clarity and conviction:
  • Salvation – Baptism – Tithing – Serving
  • Sexuality – Abortion – Divorce – Alcohol
  • Forgiveness – Sin

Do it for You

Spiritual intimacy starts in your own heart. You can’t lead your spouse or children where you haven’t gone yourself.

Why it matters personally:

• You must pursue your own salvation and sanctification.
• Discover your calling—then walk in it. Use your gifts or risk losing them.
• You cannot pour out spiritually unless you’re being filled.
• What’s in your heart will come out in your words, actions, and attitudes.
• Your children are more shaped by what you model than what you teach.
• Allow God to use your life as a conduit of blessing to your spouse, family, and others.

Action Steps for You

• Plug into a solid, Bible-teaching church.
• Join or lead a group (men’s, women’s, or couples).
• Prioritize personal devotion time. Journal what God is teaching you.
• Forgive quickly and fully.
• Practice repentance regularly. Stay tender toward conviction.
• Feed your own faith so you can strengthen others.

Be Encouraged

Spiritual intimacy won’t happen by accident. It must be pursued—deliberately, humbly, and consistently. But the rewards are rich: deeper love, stronger faith, resilient children, and a marriage that weathers every storm.

Draw near to God—together—and He will draw near to you.

Step Four: Pursue Physical Intimacy

Once a couple establishes strong foundations of verbal, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, the path to physical intimacy becomes not only easier—but significantly more meaningful, fulfilling, and desirable. Physical intimacy is deeply tied to those other three forms of connection. When a couple feels heard, emotionally safe, and spiritually aligned, physical connection becomes the natural outflow of a united heart.

What Is Physical Intimacy?

Physical intimacy is when a couple frequently exchanges physical touch in a way that communicates affection and unity. This touch isn’t always sexual in nature, but it often leads to meaningful, pleasurable, and God-honoring sex.
 

The Bible speaks to this subject with both clarity and wisdom. In 1 Corinthians 7:1–5, the apostle Paul gives a direct command to married couples:

1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This passage is a bold, unapologetic reminder that sexual intimacy in marriage is both a responsibility and a gift. It guards us from temptation, brings us closer as one flesh, and honors the way God designed marriage.

Two Categories of Physical Intimacy:

Physical intimacy isn’t limited to sex. In fact, the best marriages thrive on two kinds of physical connection:

1. Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy
2. Sexual Physical Intimacy

Both are vital. Both communicate love. Both strengthen the marital bond. Let’s look at them more closely.

1. Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy

This kind of intimacy is often neglected but carries incredible emotional weight. Non-sexual physical intimacy is made up of frequent, meaningful physical gestures that are not tied to sexual desire, but to affection, care, and presence.

Some examples include:

• A lingering hug in the morning
• Holding hands on a walk
• Brushing her hair gently
• A kiss on the forehead or cheek
• Massaging shoulders or feet
• Sitting with your arm around each other
• A soft hand on the lower back in the kitchen
• Light touches during conversation
• A playful bump or nudge

These small gestures build a safe emotional space. They say, “I’m here. I care. You matter.”

Guidelines for Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy:

• Talk about it: Ask your spouse what kind of touch makes them feel most loved.
• Be specific: Discuss where they like to be touched, how often, and in what context. Everyone is different.
• Don’t dismiss it: Avoid saying, “I’m just not wired that way.” Your spouse’s needs are valid, and affection is a learned, intentional behavior—not a personality trait.
• Make it a habit: Schedule physical affection if necessary. What doesn’t come naturally can still become normal through consistency.

Practicing regular, non-sexual physical intimacy strengthens your emotional bond and shields you both from temptation. In a world full of counterfeit affection, this kind of intimacy builds a fortress around your marriage.

2. Sexual Intimacy

Now let’s talk candidly and biblically about sexual intimacy. This part of marriage is often misunderstood, neglected, or abused—and yet it holds powerful potential for connection, pleasure, and spiritual unity.

Sexual intimacy is more than a physical act—it’s an emotional, spiritual, and physical gift to one another.
It is God-designed, God-ordained, and meant to be fully enjoyed within the covenant of marriage.

Here are some guiding principles for healthy sexual intimacy:

Key Thoughts:

• It’s not just about sex. It’s about knowing and being known. Talk openly about your needs, boundaries, and preferences.
• Selfish lovers destroy intimacy. Don’t approach sex only to meet your needs. Aim to please your spouse and be present in the experience together.
• For women, the journey to the bedroom often begins long before any physical act—it starts with emotional closeness, romance, communication, and feeling pursued.
• For men, the need is often more physical, frequent, and visual—but men also desire to be wanted and affirmed sexually.
• Frequent sexual connection protects your marriage. As Paul warned, depriving one another opens a door for the enemy to exploit unmet needs and unspoken frustrations.
• It’s a shared responsibility. Sexual fulfillment is a duty both spouses owe each other—not as a chore, but as a joyful offering.
• Don’t use sex as a reward or punishment. That kind of conditional love creates resentment.
• If there are medical, emotional, or psychological barriers, don’t ignore them. Seek godly counsel, professional help, or medical advice. There is no shame in pursuing healing.

Wrapping It All Together

Physical intimacy is not a stand-alone step—it builds on the foundation of verbal, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

If you and your spouse are regularly communicating, emotionally connecting, and growing together in your walk with God, physical intimacy becomes the glue that binds it all together.

Here’s your challenge:

• Practice non-sexual physical intimacy daily.
• Commit to sexual intimacy regularly and intentionally.
• Kick Satan out of your bedroom by eliminating division, silence, and neglect.
• Schedule all four forms of intimacy into your marriage rhythm. Yes, schedule it—because your spouse deserves your best effort, not your leftover energy.

God wants your marriage to thrive. Don’t wait until it’s in crisis to address intimacy. Begin now. Make a plan. Talk, touch, pray, and love deeply—because intimacy isn’t just about bodies. It’s about two souls, made one, becoming stronger together.

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